My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Randomize
