My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
