You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I wish there were birth control emojis
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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