I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
