I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Also, beer. Big fan.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
