and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
