I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
