My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
