girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just want nice things and good sex
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
