omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
