Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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