the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
