Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
