i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
