just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
