Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize