Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize