M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I AM VODKA MAN
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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