Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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