I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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