Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
