im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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