My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I have fence marks all over my body
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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