dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
