Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
