How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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