note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
