dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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