Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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