my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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