If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
