this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize