just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
There's always time for handjobs
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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