Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
