at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
