1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
