My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
