I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You've changed since you got that strap on
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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