so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
