FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
