my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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