I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
