So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
