Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
