My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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