some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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