hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
