I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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