Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You took a bar mat shot.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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