Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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