I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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