let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
