i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
