I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
