I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Randomize
