so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
