im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Randomize
