I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
