you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I just googled if crying burns calories
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
