Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I have aggressive nipples.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
