My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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