What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
